So I feel recently like my structure (physical, metal and social) is getting weaker. There is something about the burst and I’m not sure what. I can’t work out if I’m putting too much pressure on myself or if I’m just being weak. Sometimes life just gets to you, you know?
Physically, I’m struggling more than ever with my pain levels. I’m weak, I’m exhausted, I spend every evening with a hot water bottle on my stomach. I’m still hot flushing despite it being 2 months since my last jab. I’m dizzy, I can’t always see straight. I sometimes feel close to passing out, specifically if I’m over stimulated. It’s not fun. I’m not enjoying it by any means.
Mentally, I just don’t feel all there. I feel like part of me is missing. I can’t put my finger on it, it could be a lack of empathy, it could be disdain for my fellow human, it could be feeling depressed, I’m not sure. But at the same time everything is amplified beyond the extreme. If something upsets me, it upsets me for hours, days, weeks sometimes. I’m feeling intense feelings that I didn’t know I could and that is slightly scary. I’m also anxious, desperate and terrified all at once. And that feeling is constant. How can one person have so many different feelings but also not feel anything all at once? Why is my brain wired this way?
Socially, I just feel different. Going out isn’t fun, organised fun isn’t my thing. In the run up to going out whether its the pub or clubbing, I can’t hack the anxiety. When I’m out socializing things are normally different, but generally the first contact with someone gives me that wave of fear, as if I’ve previously said or done something to upset them. Maybe I have, I don’t know. I’ll drink to cover the anxiety, ultimately doing and saying the wrong thing, causing myself more problems. I’m finding myself wistful to speak to a myriad of people, bouncing from group to group so no one gets too close to me and I can’t risk upsetting them. When I know something secret, its an awful time trying to conceal it, hold it in and not blurt it out to the wrong person. I also don’t know who’s good or bad anymore. I don’t know who to trust. I’m questioning everyone’s actions towards me, even those closest.
Why am I like this? What can I do?
Until recently I’ve combated these feeling by partying hard or shutting myself away. I need to change my coping strategy to staying in, spending time with Jack and a couple of close friends. If we do head out to socialize, I should refuse to go ‘out out’ – I don’t trust myself. I’m going to concentrate on being creative, booking creative workshops and spending time crocheting, making jewellery or writing modern calligraphy. I feel like if I keep putting myself out there, stretching myself too thin, I’m going to need to move away from this tiny town. I love where I live, I need to stop ruining it for myself.